It’s getting more and more complicated to actually track movement in your life. For our better half of our life, we measured direction and accomplishment through academics. Validation was given through grades and critique. Friendships were built on how often you saw a certain person throughout your day. The whole time you’re looking forward to ending a chapter and beginning a new one but there comes a point where you get to the beginning and there’s absolutely nothing laid out for you. There’s bricks and tools and all this stuff you’ve seen other adults use but didn’t especially pay attention to because you never thought you needed to actually learn how to use these things. The cocky younger version of yourself thought that by the time this new beginning came around, you’d have it allllll figured out and when the time actually comes, you can’t even lay a steady foundation for yourself. IT SUCKS. I blame Friends for leading me to believe that I could have a wealthy/trust fund baby white person’s lifestyle and my brain for not being critical enough over the media’s capitalist driven young adult shows. I blame my mother for coddling me and over extending herself so that I didn’t have to do acquire any life-skills, and I blame my school district for still giving me a neon green ribbon even after I spelled the word climb wrong in first grade (I choked.) I came home and claimed I got 2nd place…my family went along with it. I blame them too. Now I’m 24, back in my hometown where I promised myself I wouldn’t be and I have no one to blame but myself. It’s been especially difficult to come back to a place that I so decidedly abandoned when I was 18. I actively know I’m being melodramatic about this whole situation. Numerous young adults have moved right back home after college with their head still up in the air, no sense of shame dragging them down and to be honest, it makes sense. Rent is ridiculous, wages are terrible and the amount of unemployed young adults with a bachelor’s degree is staggering. Most of us move back to move forward, reassess our life and patiently work toward getting back into the game. I’m aware of all of this but my mind keeps dwelling on how much of a regression it is to come back and live in my hometown. Although good things have occurred such as a good dependable job, the comfort of family, and financial stability, the ache of self proclaimed failure never ceases. This invisible line that kept going upward throughout my life felt like it dramatically fell to the bottom and although right now I can’t see this line heading anywhere, it’s steadily picking up. The thing about being an adult is that you have to be accountable over how you want your life trend to go…downward, upwards, or consistent/no change. Although coming back has felt like stumbling block, choices have been taken and movement has been manifested. We’d like to think that all these external forces are responsible for all the misfortunes in our life but recognizing your role in how you deal with things and contribute is the most empowering thing you can do. Take ownership of your life even when it all falls apart, the cool thing is that the tools are always gonna be there if you just open your eyes and notice it. I can always start over and build again as long as I have life and good health, two things that we should never take for granted. There’s no rubric for me to follow, just instinct, mindfulness and intuition. A daily practice to opt for what will make a better you, resist the auto-pilot victim blaming zone, and confidently know that’s it’s all gonna be okay.
p.s: My blog started out with fashion but I don’t know what it is know and I really like that! Check out my light, airy, mood board of what inspired me this spring.