Hello all! I have not posted in quite some time. There’s been a lot of adjustment since I’ve last written but finally, I have all my tools gathered and laid out and I’m ready to get back into my blogging like no one’s business. Today, I’m feeling The Daily Post’s word for the day: Meaningless. I have to be honest here…I’m very dramatic. Not in the sense where I will flip a table or throw wine in your face a la Real Housewives style but I can feel very intensely and stay with the feeling and wrap it around my head, and then wonder why everything looks so blurry. Recently, I felt stuck with that feeling and I was convinced that the feeling was just going to be a part of my daily life. The feeling became that asshole friend you accept but low key resent and always question why you still hang out with in the first place.
Mornings were meaningless. I’d wake up and I didn’t know why. I just knew that I had to change into work clothes, begrudgingly get through the day, pay the bills and repeat. I looked forward to nothing and I was okay with that as long as I had consistency. I’d look in the mirror and think: Man, is this normal? I just had this aching thought in my head that I was aging and nothing was getting accomplished. Time was passing and everything was the same. As much as I didn’t want to admit it to myself, there was this huge anxiety of I’m not doing anything in my life and I’m completely incapable of addressing it. This awareness would hit me while I was laughing with my friends, while I was eating at my break, or after I took a nap and saw myself in the reflection of the window. It never left. It got so bad that the simple joys became artificial and forced. I felt like I had to just fight it out and maybe it’d go away. My brain, which I love/hate, said: “You can’t bullshit a bullshitter Gen, take another route.” I struggled but I finally did. I removed myself from all the negative habits, relationships, and overall self sabotaging behavior that felt comfortable and natural. It didn’t just magically happen from one day to the next but it was a moment of grace. I was going through my suggested podcasts and stumbled on to mindfulness. I pressed on it only because I like the word. I know, I wish I had a better explanation too. The podcast started with an explanation on mindfulness and in a nutshell, mindfulness is all about being in the present moment. Taking the moment to truly be present and feel everything around you. Whether it be the texture of the chair your sitting on, the sensation of breathing, or the thought pestering in your head telling you you’re not good enough. It’s about staying in the moment and feeling/observing it without judgment. Just letting whatever is going through you or around you happen. I started realizing how most of my thoughts were negative self-talk I’ve carried around for years and mistakenly perceived as protective. Mindfulness made me observe these thoughts as my heart raced and the room got hotter. I breathed in and out trying to calm my heart rate, staying with the thought and not running away from it like I usually did. It noticed how often these thoughts invaded my head. How they refused to give me any feedback that was remotely close to loving because I hadn’t quite earned it just yet. I had to work harder, had to be outstanding and amazing before I could actually be nice to myself. I was refusing to give myself any validation or love under this insane abusive conditions that I had set for myself. I started noticing that these standards I set for myself were not to encourage me but to keep me from attempting anything. Basically my thoughts were like the evil stepmom and I was that doting step-daughter that did everything and anything to get approval but it was all obviously in vain. The step-daughter blames herself for being so stupid in thinking that she could ever be good enough and the cycle continues.
Mindfulness has truly given me an awareness I couldn’t be more grateful for. Every day, I take the time to breathe and let the good and the bad flow through me with out any judgment in my heart. I remain objective on what I need to improve on, what I’m currently good at and what I can give a try at. When anxiety hits, I look around and I listen. I appreciate the chatter of birds in the morning, the faint sound of my bedroom’s fan, the soft pink paws of my cat cuddled next to me. I appreciate the little breeze of early mornings, my mother blessing me as I leave to work, the warmth of coffee, and the secretary excitedly greeting me every morning. Every day has purpose. I couldn’t be more grateful.