It’s getting more and more complicated to actually track movement in your life. For our better half of our life, we measured direction and accomplishment through academics. Validation was given through grades and critique. Friendships were built on how often you saw a certain person throughout your day. The whole time you’re looking forward to ending a chapter and beginning a new one but there comes a point where you get to the beginning and there’s absolutely nothing laid out for you. There’s bricks and tools and all this stuff you’ve seen other adults use but didn’t especially pay attention to because you never thought you needed to actually learn how to use these things. The cocky younger version of yourself thought that by the time this new beginning came around, you’d have it allllll figured out and when the time actually comes, you can’t even lay a steady foundation for yourself. IT SUCKS. I blame Friends for leading me to believe that I could have a wealthy/trust fund baby white person’s lifestyle and my brain for not being critical enough over the media’s capitalist driven young adult shows. I blame my mother for coddling me and over extending herself so that I didn’t have to do acquire any life-skills, and I blame my school district for still giving me a neon green ribbon even after I spelled the word climb wrong in first grade (I choked.) I came home and claimed I got 2nd place…my family went along with it. I blame them too. Now I’m 24, back in my hometown where I promised myself I wouldn’t be and I have no one to blame but myself. It’s been especially difficult to come back to a place that I so decidedly abandoned when I was 18. I actively know I’m being melodramatic about this whole situation. Numerous young adults have moved right back home after college with their head still up in the air, no sense of shame dragging them down and to be honest, it makes sense. Rent is ridiculous, wages are terrible and the amount of unemployed young adults with a bachelor’s degree is staggering. Most of us move back to move forward, reassess our life and patiently work toward getting back into the game. I’m aware of all of this but my mind keeps dwelling on how much of a regression it is to come back and live in my hometown. Although good things have occurred such as a good dependable job, the comfort of family, and financial stability, the ache of self proclaimed failure never ceases. This invisible line that kept going upward throughout my life felt like it dramatically fell to the bottom and although right now I can’t see this line heading anywhere, it’s steadily picking up. The thing about being an adult is that you have to be accountable over how you want your life trend to go…downward, upwards, or consistent/no change. Although coming back has felt like stumbling block, choices have been taken and movement has been manifested. We’d like to think that all these external forces are responsible for all the misfortunes in our life but recognizing your role in how you deal with things and contribute is the most empowering thing you can do. Take ownership of your life even when it all falls apart, the cool thing is that the tools are always gonna be there if you just open your eyes and notice it. I can always start over and build again as long as I have life and good health, two things that we should never take for granted. There’s no rubric for me to follow, just instinct, mindfulness and intuition. A daily practice to opt for what will make a better you, resist the auto-pilot victim blaming zone, and confidently know that’s it’s all gonna be okay.
p.s: My blog started out with fashion but I don’t know what it is know and I really like that! Check out my light, airy, mood board of what inspired me this spring.
Hello all! I have not posted in quite some time. There’s been a lot of adjustment since I’ve last written but finally, I have all my tools gathered and laid out and I’m ready to get back into my blogging like no one’s business. Today, I’m feeling The Daily Post’s word for the day: Meaningless. I have to be honest here…I’m very dramatic. Not in the sense where I will flip a table or throw wine in your face a la Real Housewives style but I can feel very intensely and stay with the feeling and wrap it around my head, and then wonder why everything looks so blurry. Recently, I felt stuck with that feeling and I was convinced that the feeling was just going to be a part of my daily life. The feeling became that asshole friend you accept but low key resent and always question why you still hang out with in the first place.
Mornings were meaningless. I’d wake up and I didn’t know why. I just knew that I had to change into work clothes, begrudgingly get through the day, pay the bills and repeat. I looked forward to nothing and I was okay with that as long as I had consistency. I’d look in the mirror and think: Man, is this normal? I just had this aching thought in my head that I was aging and nothing was getting accomplished. Time was passing and everything was the same. As much as I didn’t want to admit it to myself, there was this huge anxiety of I’m not doing anything in my life and I’m completely incapable of addressing it. This awareness would hit me while I was laughing with my friends, while I was eating at my break, or after I took a nap and saw myself in the reflection of the window. It never left. It got so bad that the simple joys became artificial and forced. I felt like I had to just fight it out and maybe it’d go away. My brain, which I love/hate, said: “You can’t bullshit a bullshitter Gen, take another route.” I struggled but I finally did. I removed myself from all the negative habits, relationships, and overall self sabotaging behavior that felt comfortable and natural. It didn’t just magically happen from one day to the next but it was a moment of grace. I was going through my suggested podcasts and stumbled on to mindfulness. I pressed on it only because I like the word. I know, I wish I had a better explanation too. The podcast started with an explanation on mindfulness and in a nutshell, mindfulness is all about being in the present moment. Taking the moment to truly be present and feel everything around you. Whether it be the texture of the chair your sitting on, the sensation of breathing, or the thought pestering in your head telling you you’re not good enough. It’s about staying in the moment and feeling/observing it without judgment. Just letting whatever is going through you or around you happen. I started realizing how most of my thoughts were negative self-talk I’ve carried around for years and mistakenly perceived as protective. Mindfulness made me observe these thoughts as my heart raced and the room got hotter. I breathed in and out trying to calm my heart rate, staying with the thought and not running away from it like I usually did. It noticed how often these thoughts invaded my head. How they refused to give me any feedback that was remotely close to loving because I hadn’t quite earned it just yet. I had to work harder, had to be outstanding and amazing before I could actually be nice to myself. I was refusing to give myself any validation or love under this insane abusive conditions that I had set for myself. I started noticing that these standards I set for myself were not to encourage me but to keep me from attempting anything. Basically my thoughts were like the evil stepmom and I was that doting step-daughter that did everything and anything to get approval but it was all obviously in vain. The step-daughter blames herself for being so stupid in thinking that she could ever be good enough and the cycle continues.
Mindfulness has truly given me an awareness I couldn’t be more grateful for. Every day, I take the time to breathe and let the good and the bad flow through me with out any judgment in my heart. I remain objective on what I need to improve on, what I’m currently good at and what I can give a try at. When anxiety hits, I look around and I listen. I appreciate the chatter of birds in the morning, the faint sound of my bedroom’s fan, the soft pink paws of my cat cuddled next to me. I appreciate the little breeze of early mornings, my mother blessing me as I leave to work, the warmth of coffee, and the secretary excitedly greeting me every morning. Every day has purpose. I couldn’t be more grateful.
Hellooo and thank you for reading my blog! Unfortunately, I haven’t been posting as regularly as I would like to BUT I will make it my absolute goal to produce and keep posting on this blog. A big reason why I haven’t been as active is that I have become generally uninspired and plagued by negative thoughts. Complete laziness ensues and I tell myself, “oh yeah, you’ll just get to that after work tomorrow.” Which is a total and complete lie because I just get out work, go for a run, eat my feelings and sleep.
It’s hard to disconnect yourself from that cycle and fall into the trap that almost every working adult goes through. It’s an easy, unchallenging, and comfortable trap that we just accept so we try to squeeze as much entertainment and indulgence on the weekends to make up for the discontent during the week. After noticing this pattern, I really could not sit there and watch this happen for the next months/years of my life. Every day and every decision matters, we don’t realize this in the moment because we get so caught up in our needs and immediate wants but thinking about it in the larger scheme of things is an immense phenomenon to accept. I could either let this truth overwhelm me (which i’m not going to lie, it did ) but I could take this truth and run with it. Let every day be an opportunity to create, listen, learn, and observe.
With that said, my blog will have a makeover. I want to incorporate my art, some writing, and even collaborate if anyone’s up for it. I want to create more content even if I don’t think it’s great, it’s the only way to get better .
Thanks for reading and I hope ya’ll have a great productive and fulfilling week,
It’s been a goooood while since I’ve posted and I promise I have good excuses! I just relocated, got a new job and currently still applying for other jobs. It’s taking a while for me to find a balance but I’m patiently hoping I’ll get there. It just feels so strange that this blog is no longer for a class and I guess that’s another contributor as to why I haven’t touched this blog. I really miss college, the freedom, the deadlines, the critique. Not having the constant feedback and reinforcement has driven me to a block where I don’t see the point in creating anything. It’s not a desirable state of mind to be in but I suppose it’s a just a natural reaction that happens when you transition from a college student to an adult who works 40 hrs a week in a monotonous job.
However I refuse to let this little roadblock completely hinder my growth and simply take it as an opportunity to learn how to adapt and thrive in change. I have so many plans and so many things I want to make. This blog will continue as long as I do and thank you for whomever is reading this right now. I sound so whiny and preachy but I promise, I’ll go back to my normal self soon.
Meanwhile enjoy the pics of me under the bridge acting like a complete fool. Clothes worn were by storedogdog, forever21, passed on military jacket, and sneakers are from Reebok.
This post is my last post for class but not the end for my blog. It was so fun documenting what I wore and sharing my thoughts to readers, the narcissistic in me thrived during this experience. What I enjoyed most about blogging was how easy WordPress makes it for the user to navigate through their website. WordPress makes for an enjoyable and accessible user experience. I had no problem with that aspect of blogging. I didn’t find any tools to be ineffective when it came to WordPress but one regret I have was the quality of my pictures. I wish I would’ve edited them a little better and perhaps taken them with a better camera. I want to put out the best content I can in my blog and the lack of good quality in my pictures limited me to just three to four pics per post.
When I began this blog, I saw it as just a class assignment. Although I had been talking about creating a blog with a friend of mine, I never thought it would actually come into fruition. It was just an idea I would talk about but never prioritized until it was required for a grade. Of course it would take something like that for me to create a blog but at the same time I’m really grateful for having the opportunity to create something I’ve always wanted to do. Although there’s so many things I need to improve on such as better editing when it comes to my writing and pictures as well finding a way to connect to a bigger audience, I want to include my fashion blog as part of my portfolio. My first love has always been fashion and for a company to look at my styling and appreciate my perspective would be the best case scenario for me. Not only does this blog represent who I am aesthetically but it allows me to practice my writing and create a stronger literary voice for myself. I would hope that employers would notice that and incorporate me in their team for my style of communication, reach, and writing.
My most popular week was October 19-25, I had 247 views and 115 visitors. The month of October proved to be the most popular with the post “Pumpkin Spice and Midterms” garnering 381 views and 151 visitors. I’m not sure why that particular post was the most popular perhaps it was the title or what I was wearing. Facebook proved to be the most useful way to share my posts, most of my views coming from the people I knew and other views coming from my friends “sharing” my post. By far, the most surprising aspect of the Site Stats data was getting to see how people from all over the world viewed my blog. I think that’s a really cool tool WordPress incorporates in their site.
For this week, I decided to dress how I usually do because finals have been kicking my butt and the stress of graduating in a couple of days has left me with little to no spark of creativity. It’s bittersweet that this will be the last time I’ll be taking pictures on campus but I’m glad my last post as a college undergrad took place in that setting. Here’s some of the pics and I hope ya’ll enjoy.
Inspiration this week came from a website called Garbagelapsap which captures cool athletic and casual street style from Malaysia, Japan and Singapore: http://garbagelapsap.com/?cat=7
This time of year is by far THE most stressful time of the year. Finals, deadlines and winter blues hit you hard and fashion becomes the last concern on your priority list. The more over-sized and warm clothing is the better. Clothing is utilized for durability, how long it’ll keep you warm and most of all, comfortable. It becomes your armor rather than a commodity. For stressful times like these I resort to my uniform: over-sized sweaters, jeans, hat/beanie and tennis shoes. It’s my dependable go to. My untamed hair is hidden, the amount of time I spend at the library is limitless since my feet are comfy and my thick sweater keeps me warm.
The thick sweater I have on happens to be my all time favorite. Not only is it super warm and reminds me of Christmas but it used be my late father’s sweater when he was going steady with my mom. I know it’s silly but it makes me feel that much more protected to be wearing an item that was worn by my dad at pretty much the same age as me. At a time where my sanity is hanging on by a thread, wearing my dad’s sweater reminds me to keep going for the future my parents had hoped for me one day.
Moving on from emotional sleep deprived me writing to details of the shoots, I decided to fancy it up slightly because I can’t look like my usual hobo self for a blog dedicated strictly to fashion. Here are some of the pictures I managed to take today although I apologize beforehand because I am severely sleep deprived due to incessant finals cramming.
For some style inspo on college students looking pretty stylin’ while trying to remain sane go to: http://www.collegefashionista.com/